i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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