Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
