This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
