he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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