fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
