My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
