I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
