twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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