do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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