1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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