Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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