I am puke
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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