Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
