ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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