It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
