i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
