can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
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That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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