Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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