he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
