Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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