nut hugger
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
