just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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