Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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