I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
