why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
