Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
