Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
