Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
