It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
