I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
