Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm getting married
To pizza
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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