saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
