please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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