A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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