Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize