If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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