my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
