I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If I die, sorry about rent.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
