Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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