Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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