im six kinds of drunk right now
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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