I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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