I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
