textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
