i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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