You made me cry and you don't even care
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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