she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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