now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
