the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
