you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
