he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
