matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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