He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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