If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
