That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
one two three fourrrrnication!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Shame - the story of my life.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
