Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
