how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
