All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
