I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
