My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
