i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
