Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
