The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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